Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for February, 2010

Olympic Gold, Not Quite!

Some people fantasize about having a lot of money while other’s fantasize about sex!  Those things are nice and all, especially the sex, but as for me I only have one fantasy, world peace!  Okay that was bull shit but it was a nice thought.  What I really like to fantasize about from time to time and right now is the right time to fantasize about being an Olympian!  Of course my olympic fantasy is not in a sexual one, unless I happen to win Gold and the ladies are all over me begging me to let them touch it, I’m talking about the Gold medal of course!  Ask yourself would you rather be ultra rich and extremely ugly or for the rest of your life be piss poor and be an Olympian for 2 weeks!  I like to fantasize about being an Olympian at the winter games in Vancouver.  I walk into the opening ceremonies, seeing all the ice holes aka Canadians look at me with glee!  I then picture myself in the short skating competition with Alpo Ono, I think that’s his name, anywho me and him are in the finals to see who will get the gold!  I win my a convincing manner because Alpo looses his skate on the last lap.  Then my fantasy goes on, I’m standing on the podium getting my Gold Medal and I shed a tear, because that’s what all cool Olympians do!  Year’s later I write a book about my Olympic journey and I admit that I cheated and loosened a bolt on Alpo’s skate to ensure the victory!  Olympic officials demand that I give my medal back, I do, but I wipe my ass with it first!  Hey if your not cheating your not trying!  I love fantasy’s anything is possible, even beating Alpo!

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Will you Be my Valentine?

Valentines Day or VD no longer means having to say I love you.  It’s true, when you come down with a bad case of VD from your spouse or lover who has been secretly going behind your back. And that spouse or lover happens not to play safe, then that special someone shows up in your life, VD.  Then you say, Oh Girl Friend, Oh No you Didn’t, and she says Oh Yes I did!  This leads you to roll around naked on the floor wondering how you ever got yourself in this cluster cuss of VD, all the time wondering when it will stop burning when I pee!  In that exact moment on your toilet with your pot sticker burning with rage and your world being rocked by Brett Michaels, you come to the conclusion that you don’t like VD, and you never will!  So to you all keep VD to yourself and don’t share it with others.  Because no one is going to say I love you when VD comes around!

Read Full Post »

Yeti, Child Please!

A pleasant surprise awaited my arrival at work today.  No it was not a wild turkey or a wild goose, twas a wild Yeti that somehow managed to work its way west from the Himalayan mountains in Nepal down through the flashing streets of Mardi Gras, he stayed a couple extra days for a little R&R, and then finally up through the great Rocky Mountains which aren’t so Rocky, thanks John Denver, your full of shit!  I was able to capture the yeti in action as I found him helping a long lost friend name Wayne, who carves bears out of his bear hands!  And when that doesn’t work, he uses a chainsaw!  Click the link below to see the Yeti in action…

Yeti

So all this Yeti hot talk got me thinking about how my encounter with a yeti compared with others.  Below I have listed 3 of the most famous beloved Yeti’s the world has ever known!

Ahhh you already know this one don’t you.  Yes this might be one of the most popular Yetis of yours and my generation.  A yeti named Harold and can be frequently seen scaring ongoing lookers on the Matterhorn ride at Disneyland.  My first experience with this yeti left me shating myself and forming a long lasting addiction to the gateway drug called ritalin.

2.  

This yeti is a bit more obscure but don’t be fooled by the small and sometimes adorable looks of this creature, he packs a full punch, I have seen him go at it with midgets twice his size and he has dwarf them all!  His name is Nicki and his most famous roll was in a little movie called STAR WARS, Return of the Jedi!!!  He played that Ewok that got killed at the end of the movie, I shed a tear, but I was 5 and was weak like Russian Doll.  That movie propelled his career into new heights but also propelled him to a new drug addiction, ritalin!  Years later that would lead him to a serious dependency on proazc.

3.

I have saved the best for last, the scariest yeti east side of the Mississippi, and yes she is a women scary hugh!  She presides at the Animal Kingdom in Disney World.  Her name is Sasha and she is the twin brother of Harold and don’t ask because they are not identical you idiots!  If you think you can bag this wild untamed yeti of love be prepared to fork over the cash!  She likes fast cars, fine wine, and long walks in the snow!

In conclusion John Denver is not full of shit, he was a lonely drunk who really didn’t know how to fly a plane, end of story!

Read Full Post »

Leap Year, Say What?

Who doesn’t enjoy a enjoy a good chick flick everyone once in awhile, this was my attitude going into what was hailed as one of the worst romantic comedies of all time.  Hey sometimes the worse it is the better it will become, or says my Aunt Jemima and her magical syrup!  So in that sense I chose this film and it did not chose me, some call it destiny, I call it lady fate! And fate almost didn’t hit because I nearly missed Leap Year, say what?  Yes it’s true my nymphs, a bold confession about to be reveled, I was alone at the movie theatre like the Michael Mclane Song, You’re not Alone, but really the song is about being alone.  So I was standing their deciding to go see a R rated movie, Edge of darkness or a PG film, Leap Year.  And then it hit me, that old Mormon pirate song, Choose the Right, and you know what, I  chose the right, and you know what also, it paid off!  So I was a bit embarrassed that I was about to see a chick flick(aka Romantic Comedy) all by myself.  I bought the ticket and entered the theatre where as to my surprise I was the only one in there.  But my lady luck was about to run out, as the movie started about 4 girls walked in the theatre and start laughing and snickering at yours truly, ya I know can you believe it!  Okay they were not snickering at me, but they were laughing, I just hope they were drunk and puked on each other later that night!

Anywho so this leads us to Leap Year, a magically delicious bowl of goodness filled with marshmallows!  This movie while on the surface looks predictable, cheesy and arrogant, and don’t get me wrong it is.  But like Donkey from Shrek, this movie is like an Onion, it has layers, and when you get to the center all you find yourself with tears in your eyes and you don’t really know why.  Okay no one cried except at the he-larious slap-stick jokes that were taking place in this wild world of wholesomeness and goodness in what we call PG.  Anyways to make a short story long, 2 Stars, and if you drunk on Irish whiskey I would give it 3 and half stars.  My peeps rent this film unless you want to see Amy Adams in here Knickers, but not enough skin to make me give it another star, more leg next time Amy!  Okay so maybe I should not have chose the right, I should have chose the R, meaning Rated R and the edge of darkness, Oh well!

Read Full Post »