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Archive for the ‘rants’ Category

Love

Love, sometimes I just want to take a big shit all over it then give it a big fat hug!  Let me explain, love tends to stink even reek sometimes,  but the scent is intriguing, like when you fart and the other person freaks out but your secretly are not grossed out.  Then after a brief moment of enjoying your flatulence, you start to taste it and you realize that this shit stinks.

At that moment you look down and think to yourself its way to late to turn back now, your fully committed and are covered in shit!  So there is only one thing left to do, drop down on all 4’s and commit yourself fully, get down in it and smell that shit.  Then at some moment, maybe the next day or even in a year your realize something very profound, I’m all covered in shit, what the hell am I’m doing.

My friends this is what love is for me, I have finally woken up from that stinky ass shit and have been born again like the virgin mary!  I have had my come to Jesus talk and I realized that loves is not for me, but for the poor saps that like to be covered in dog poo.  As for me I’m shit free since 2003!

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Olympic Gold, Not Quite!

Some people fantasize about having a lot of money while other’s fantasize about sex!  Those things are nice and all, especially the sex, but as for me I only have one fantasy, world peace!  Okay that was bull shit but it was a nice thought.  What I really like to fantasize about from time to time and right now is the right time to fantasize about being an Olympian!  Of course my olympic fantasy is not in a sexual one, unless I happen to win Gold and the ladies are all over me begging me to let them touch it, I’m talking about the Gold medal of course!  Ask yourself would you rather be ultra rich and extremely ugly or for the rest of your life be piss poor and be an Olympian for 2 weeks!  I like to fantasize about being an Olympian at the winter games in Vancouver.  I walk into the opening ceremonies, seeing all the ice holes aka Canadians look at me with glee!  I then picture myself in the short skating competition with Alpo Ono, I think that’s his name, anywho me and him are in the finals to see who will get the gold!  I win my a convincing manner because Alpo looses his skate on the last lap.  Then my fantasy goes on, I’m standing on the podium getting my Gold Medal and I shed a tear, because that’s what all cool Olympians do!  Year’s later I write a book about my Olympic journey and I admit that I cheated and loosened a bolt on Alpo’s skate to ensure the victory!  Olympic officials demand that I give my medal back, I do, but I wipe my ass with it first!  Hey if your not cheating your not trying!  I love fantasy’s anything is possible, even beating Alpo!

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Will you Be my Valentine?

Valentines Day or VD no longer means having to say I love you.  It’s true, when you come down with a bad case of VD from your spouse or lover who has been secretly going behind your back. And that spouse or lover happens not to play safe, then that special someone shows up in your life, VD.  Then you say, Oh Girl Friend, Oh No you Didn’t, and she says Oh Yes I did!  This leads you to roll around naked on the floor wondering how you ever got yourself in this cluster cuss of VD, all the time wondering when it will stop burning when I pee!  In that exact moment on your toilet with your pot sticker burning with rage and your world being rocked by Brett Michaels, you come to the conclusion that you don’t like VD, and you never will!  So to you all keep VD to yourself and don’t share it with others.  Because no one is going to say I love you when VD comes around!

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Yeti, Child Please!

A pleasant surprise awaited my arrival at work today.  No it was not a wild turkey or a wild goose, twas a wild Yeti that somehow managed to work its way west from the Himalayan mountains in Nepal down through the flashing streets of Mardi Gras, he stayed a couple extra days for a little R&R, and then finally up through the great Rocky Mountains which aren’t so Rocky, thanks John Denver, your full of shit!  I was able to capture the yeti in action as I found him helping a long lost friend name Wayne, who carves bears out of his bear hands!  And when that doesn’t work, he uses a chainsaw!  Click the link below to see the Yeti in action…

Yeti

So all this Yeti hot talk got me thinking about how my encounter with a yeti compared with others.  Below I have listed 3 of the most famous beloved Yeti’s the world has ever known!

Ahhh you already know this one don’t you.  Yes this might be one of the most popular Yetis of yours and my generation.  A yeti named Harold and can be frequently seen scaring ongoing lookers on the Matterhorn ride at Disneyland.  My first experience with this yeti left me shating myself and forming a long lasting addiction to the gateway drug called ritalin.

2.  

This yeti is a bit more obscure but don’t be fooled by the small and sometimes adorable looks of this creature, he packs a full punch, I have seen him go at it with midgets twice his size and he has dwarf them all!  His name is Nicki and his most famous roll was in a little movie called STAR WARS, Return of the Jedi!!!  He played that Ewok that got killed at the end of the movie, I shed a tear, but I was 5 and was weak like Russian Doll.  That movie propelled his career into new heights but also propelled him to a new drug addiction, ritalin!  Years later that would lead him to a serious dependency on proazc.

3.

I have saved the best for last, the scariest yeti east side of the Mississippi, and yes she is a women scary hugh!  She presides at the Animal Kingdom in Disney World.  Her name is Sasha and she is the twin brother of Harold and don’t ask because they are not identical you idiots!  If you think you can bag this wild untamed yeti of love be prepared to fork over the cash!  She likes fast cars, fine wine, and long walks in the snow!

In conclusion John Denver is not full of shit, he was a lonely drunk who really didn’t know how to fly a plane, end of story!

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Back To the Future

I was rushed back to the future a few days ago while I was cleaning out me mums storage shed.  As I was throwing priceless items from the 80’s such as the pogo ball, I came across a hidden container.  I was shocked to find some long lost artifacts that had magically delicious disappeared years early.  Inside the container I found my journals from my mission and some old comic books in an old shoe box.  I was flipping threw the comic books when I can across some old Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Editions, can I get a high five!.  The swims suites were nice, but that’s not what I want to write about, unfortunately.  Tonight I felt a bit sentimental and I decided  to skim one of the first journals I wrote.  Oddly enough I called it The First Plates of Glover, abridgment by Elder Glover.  As I read I realized that I really suck when it comes to journal writing.  But some its is kind of interesting, at least I think so.  Here is an excerpt from on timeless entry’s

Date 12/22/97

If you see any of these things ( ),I Making Current Remarks on the Past from the Present)

Today we got up the had study, (Riveting I know!) then went to the gym and played b-ball with the sisters.  Anyway it was fun.  Then we came back and study and ate breakfast, then went to Dr. Richens for Elder Reay and Snider (Snider was a Douche, sorry but he was one) to get their backs cracked (Dr. Richens, not a Dr. of Love but a Dr. of Chiropractory)  Then we went to plan at the church.  Sisters, Spanish missionaries), and zone leaders were there, we went with them to Burger King to eat, yuck. I spilled my sprite, it was embarrassing, they gave me a new one!  Elder Hales has some itching problem, fleas or scabies or something (His catch phrase, get over here and shake my hand good buddy!).  Anyway we came back to the church and planed for the week, then went home and called the Nissan dealer to fix our car.  We drove up to Uba City to get it fixed, we were at the dealership for 2 hours.  I fell asleep on one of their green leather couches.  Elder Reay also feel asleep.  We woke up 2 hours later with  people staring at us, quite funny, ha ha ha (Looking back the ha ha’s were lame!) Anyways then Elder Snider gave the 1st discussion to some Muslim guy on the couch.  We got the car back it needs a tune up (Liars).  Anyway they washed our car and the guy who washed it Elder Snider game him a Book of Mormon and got the guys’ address.  We drove back to Gridley listing to the Joseph Smith tapes, there awesome.  I want this book by Hugh Nibley, its called Temples & Cosmos ( I later bought this book, just a side note, has all the answers in it, not reary) very groovy.  Anyways we visited a few people before we went the Nelson’s for dinner.

He is the Stake President, anyways it was a good dinner.  he has 2 daughters who lived in Midvale (In the words of Kenny Chessney, Back where I come from) they were going to SLCC (the local Community College) , they bought a cherry tree from our Nursery last spring.  They told me that my Grandma had helped them and that she was so nice.  Anyway that was groovy.  It was hard because they were beautiful young lady’s ( I guess I must have been impressed with their testimony’s!) Anyways I some how managed, for I am a missionary.  We talked about Utah and somehow we also talked about Disneyland.  We had pumpkin pie for dinner.  I asked them if they herd about Chris Farley, and they did (That will be in the next post or 2) After dinner we visited a non-member and wen to a recent convert, she was so nice..  I read a scripture and then we sang a song.  I will write my tribute to Chris Farley either tomorrow or on Christmas, Night, Night!

Wow, that was longer than I thought.  Well if that was boring you can always come over and look at my old Sports Illustrated Swim Suite Editions, the swims suites might get old but the ladies never do!

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A new year and so many sins and so little time.  What vices should I work at this year. How close can I get to the edge this year without falling, wow the possibilities are endless!  Well lets see whats on the list for this year.  Some good news I will be vacationing on Holiday in Holland Baby, Ya!  I will be visiting the rest of Europe in one form of gluttony or another!  Anyso keep on living my peeps, I will talk to you real soon, and that will be soon enough!

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The ones I love to HATE

I got to watch a little football over the long break.  I was watching the Steelers play the Jaguars (it was probably a couple of weeks ago, now that I think of it).  I was watching the game and thoroughly enjoying it, as the Jaguars were creaming the Steelers.  I didn’t enjoy it because I care much about the Jaguars but rather because I really hate the Steelers.  The Steelers are one of the few teams I love to hate.  I’ll watch them get beat even it’s 50-10.  So it got me thinking about the teams that I love to hate.  So here’s the rundown in no particular order. 

The Steelers  The first is the one I already mentioned.  The clincher for me was Super Bowl XL.  The Steelers had that game handed to them by the officials.  Ben Rothlisburger played his worse game, the Seahawks outplayed the Steelers and had fewer turnovers and still lost.  So now I love watching them get punched in the mouth. 

Mexico   (In the World Cup) The fans just bug the crap out of me. 

San Antonio Spurs  Ever since I started watching basketball, this team has been a real burr in my boots.  Last years Western Conference Finals is the most recent demonstration of how the Utah Jazz cannot beat the Spurs, and thus I love to watch them lose. 

Dallas Cowboys  I was in high school the same time the Cowboys were winning all those Super Bowls in the ’90s.  And every dork at my school just loved the Cowboys, so I had to rebel and root for them to lose. 

Chicago Bulls  I despise the Bulls more than any other team on this list.  I hope they have a legacy of losing as epic as the Cubs’.  I am a devoted fan of the Jazz and it killed me when Michael Jordan and the Bulls beat the Jazz  twice in the NBA finals.  The fans of that city didn’t deserve one championship not to mention six.  They destroyed the city every time they won, like a bunch of vandals in Rome.  And would anyone think less of Jordan if he had only 5 rings instead of 6?

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